Would you choose to suffer?

A few weeks ago, during our Sunday school class, we were talking about Jesus feeding the five thousand, and then Jesus walking out onto the water, to the disciples during a storm.  My husband pointed out something about this story, that doesn't really get much mention, but to us, has become pretty significant.  Jesus told the disciples to get in the boat, and begin crossing the lake. (Matthew 14:22, Mark 6:45) Apparently, the sea of Galilee is subject to sudden storms because of the physical features surrounding it.  Jesus knew this; he knew that he was sending the disciples into a storm.  So why would he do this?  Why would he send them into danger, to suffer through this storm?  The same reason he chooses to send us into some of the storms we go through in life.  He wants to reveal himself to us.  If he hadn't told to disciples to go into this storm, there wouldn't have been an opportunity to show them his power and his glory, by walking on the water and calming the disciple’s fears.  Most likely if Jesus hadn't told the disciples to go…they probably wouldn't have.  Don’t forget, many of them were fishermen, who probably also knew the sea pretty well and wouldn't have chosen to go sail across the lake during a storm. 

This story has become special to me because of knowing that God has chosen to show me his power and his glory through my son, Weston.  He knows that I certainly wouldn't have chosen to go through this storm in my life.  But he sent me anyways.  He has shown himself to me, shown me his power and given me strength to overcome this storm.  He is the one that is in control, and will guide me through all of life’s struggles. 

Through this journey of healing from losing Weston, I begin to relate to the disciples in the rest of the story of Jesus walking on water.  At first, my faith never wavered.  Like Peter, I instantly “got out of the boat, and walked on the water toward Jesus.”  I knew I had to seek Jesus to be strong enough to get through this.  I knew that Jesus would give me the words to say when others asked questions or came to offer comfort.  I knew that only Jesus could help me to see the blessings through a tragedy and be thankful.   My marriage became stronger, because of Christ.  Donavon and I leaned on each other, loved each other more, and learned to let go of past hurts.  I became thankful because my other two children were also experiencing and seeing God’s glory and power.  While Brayden (age 2) doesn't quite understand all that happened, Katelyn (age 6) knows that Weston is in Heaven, and he will never know pain or suffering.  In fact, many times she has seen me cry, and comforted me with words only God could have given her.  She told me once that it was okay to cry for Weston, but that they should be happy tears, because we know that God is taking care of Weston in Heaven.  That Weston will never know what it’s like to hurt, suffer pain, or go through bad things, because that doesn't happen in Heaven.  Her faith is so solid, and though she is only a child, and doesn't understand everything, she understands what is important.  She has captured the true meaning of child like faith.  I know there will be many more blessings that I will see as a result of Weston’s life, my hope is that they will be kingdom building for Christ, and that he will continue to be glorified and praised. 

But like Peter, sometimes, I too take my eyes off of Christ.  Sometimes I let the doubt, the pain, and the fears consume me, like the waves did to Peter.  Sometimes I find myself thinking what if I lose another child, what if something happens to someone in my family, what if we don’t have any more children, what if I have to go through another trial so huge?  Satan uses all of these “what ifs” to get me to take my eyes off Christ.   It’s so simple, but why don’t we remember to just keep our focus on Christ, because He alone is sufficient.  He alone is strong enough. He alone controls the wind and the waves of these storms.  When I keep my eyes on Jesus, I know that the fears and lies that Satan tries to get me to believe are just that fears and lies.  But what is more important, when I keep my eyes on Jesus, I remember His promises.  Psalms 18:30, “As for God, his way is perfect.  ALL the Lord’s promises prove true (emphasis mine).  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.  For who is God except the Lord?  Who but our God is a solid rock?”  So what are His promises?  “For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.”  Philippians 4:13.  This includes overcoming the loss of Weston.  He promises that when I “take delight in the Lord, he will give you your hearts desires.” Psalms 37:4.  My prayer will be that my desires will be in accordance with God’s will, and He will fulfill them.  Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray I will listen.  If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.”    Finally, I will share with you Paul’s words when asking God to remove a thorn in his side (who some believe to be some sort of affliction he suffered) “Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, ‘My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.’  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.  Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:8-10.  God’s word is full of promises to help us overcome life’s trials and hardships.  I can honestly say that while I thought my faith was pretty solid before, God has definitely used Weston to strengthen my relationship with Him, and to keep my eyes on Him.   For that I am grateful.

Scripture references using the New Living Translation, Life Application Study Bible.

I still believe...

For a while I have felt God’s leading in my heart to start a blog.  I have seen many of my friends writing blogs, and have been encouraged by many of the stories, life experiences, and words of wisdom that they have shared.  As a stay at home mom, sometimes it is hard for me to be able to share my faith with others, because I can get so caught up in what is only right in front of me, right in my home.  While I feel that this is my “mission field,” I know that God still wants me to be able to share my faith with those outside of my little bubble, and one of the ways I have thought about doing this is through a blog. 

So, this would be my mode…but what would I talk about.  What could I share, that would be glorifying to God that would make an impact on others.  Up until recently, I have lived a pretty “normal” life.  With the exception of a few minor bumps in the road of life,  I have grown up, went to college, met the love of my life, got married, worked, had kids….and so on.  Along the way, I have had many lessons from God, many moments where I felt God shaping my life… but I wasn't sure where I would start in blogging.  And once I started…where would I go from there?  I know that God would supply me with many topics to share, but what if I got stuck?  All these thoughts have lead to the procrastinating of starting a blog that would allow me to share the things that God has been doing in my life. 

That was up until this fall.  This might be a hard read, but I feel that God has put it on my heart to begin this blog, by sharing one of the greatest trials I have been through, and how He has used it thus far to show me His presence, His faithfulness, and that He is in control.  A little over a year ago, I became pregnant with our third child.  This was my most difficult pregnancy yet.  Not so much in the medical aspect, I was fine.  The baby was fine.  It was just uncomfortable.  I was so sick with morning sickness; it was all I could do to function, just enough to take care of my other two children, Katelyn and Brayden.  There were other things going on in life, homeschooling, vehicle issues, and my husband taking college classes to finish another degree that being really sick, just made life miserable.  By summer, things got much better, and we could finally start preparing for our 3^rd child to join us.  God however had other plans. 

At 38 weeks along, one day, I had noticed that I hadn't felt the baby kick in a while.  After waiting a few minutes to see if I felt anything, I called my doctor and headed to the hospital.  After what seemed like forever, Donavon and I were told the worst imaginable phrase ever; your baby’s heart is no longer beating.  Our son’s umbilical cord had a knot in it that had gotten too tight.  The rest of the next few days were a blur of questions, few answers, decisions, and continuing of breaking hearts; ours, our other two children and other family members.  We prepared to say good bye to our son, whom we named Weston Paul.

I know that this is hard to read, and you might be wondering why in the world I am sharing this story.  I am sharing because this is part of my testimony.  I am sharing because the story isn't finished.  I am sharing because though this has been the greatest heartache of my life, I have seen God do so much through it, and I have learned to trust in God even more.  If God can heal this much pain, He is worthy to be praised.  If God can heal this pain in our hearts, God can heal any pain; yours included.  The last six months have been a time of growth for me, and I have gotten to know my Savior so much more.  I have found comfort in the verses of Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, He rescues those who are crushed in Spirit".  Isaiah 41:10, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you.  I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."  Psalms 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect.  All of the Lord’s promises have proven true.  He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.  For who is God except the Lord?  Who but God is a solid rock?"

I share this story, not to find sympathy.  Not to boast in myself, for I wouldn't have made it through this without God’s strength and comfort.  I tell this story so that you may see God.  So that you may see how God has worked in my life.  So that even in the middle of storms, you can see that God desires us to still believe in Him, to turn to Him, to praise His name.